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Yellow tights <3
I have nothing to update. Lame.
my tights are awesome yes?
Perfect remedy to a shitty week = buying the perfect blazer. Jersey material so it's warm and comfortable; boyfriend style; and works with everything.
Oh, and only £20
This is probably the most expensive item of clothing I've bought for myself in ages!
I did some baking at 9am this morning, Mum wanted baked goods for work tomorrow so figured I'd go ahead and provide.
Rice Krispy Treats (her favourite)
Oat cookies with M&Ms
1. My daisychaindreams.blogspot.com appears to be no more, after a password reset e-mail that I did not request, my account is now closed, I managed to change the password and now the blog is there on my dashboard but can't be accessed and all my damn posts have gone.
2. Just got off the phone with the doctors, I need repeat bloods done Friday as my liver function and something else came back wrong.
STRESS
Just received my end of year report from college with provisional grades
DISTINCTIONS THROUGHOUT
It still has to go through the exam board to check they agree with the tutor's grading
but still
*squee*
I've been up since just before 6am though, thanks to grumbling kidneys and an over excited kitty who thought it was playtime and proceeded to cover me in drool.
It was obviously useless trying to go back to bed, resistance is futile when it comes to Flash, so we got up and I fed him and had a cigarette and some tea and read my book.
It's been a lazy couple of days, making the most of Mum still being off. We've done nothing exciting bar mooch around Nailsea but it's been nice and I think we've put our worries from Monday to one side for the time being.
Next week I have the joy of Dad being off doing nothing....whilst having nothing to do myself. Have already planned a day of escape to the grandparents, to bake cookies and help my Nan file her exploding recipe drawers.
Work tomorrow, I have a feeling it'll either be deadly quiet, or mad busy...it's the carnival at lunchtime, then the fair/boot sale so I'm erring on busy as people will want the afternoon free.
I'm quite sure I had something to update about at somepoint.
I honestly have no life. I could have gone out with Kerri today, but didn't because....I don't know why actually. She was going to see some sand sculptures and I didn't fancy standing for hours with the possibility of blacking out whilst with someone who doesn't really understand.
I need to work on a social life and broadening horizons. I also need to work on the whole social anxiety thing/getting out of the house first.
I swished around town in this on Weds, scared I'd fall over myself but didn't *proud*
As much as I like the heat, it kills my blood pressure and I'll likely spend a lot of time passed out.
I need to find a safe hydrating drink.
Hurrah.
I might tan!
I got my new laptop yesterday, I love it, although I'm still getting used to it. It's a Dell Inspirion and I've named it Pedro for no reason other than that's the first name to pop up in my head.
I have been up since 6am today, lame. I did some yoga and had a bath then baked cupcakes for college tomorrow. I hope they taste okay, they look alright, but the mix only made 10 this time, so there weren't any spare for tasters.
I've been an irritable cow today. Calculated my BMI and had a bit of a shock. At this rate I'll be on weekly drs appointments :(
I wish it was easier to fix,
I know it's meant to be hard, but I'm eating what I can, not purging (not since December, a record!) and trying to pick healthier, more calorie dense foods. Ugh.
Part of me likes that I've lost weight. Even though I'm starting to feel like shit.
I feel guilty that I've been a crap friend to Trudi this week,
I haven't seen her and my replies to texts are scant, at best. Idk what's got in to me, but my head just isn't functioning right.
SORRRY TRUDI, I Love YOU! <3
Ohh,
finally came up with a name for my blog/magazine, it's called "Can't Help but Be"
and then it'll have categories such as "a fashion victim" "a beauty addict" and "a health nut"
now I just need to work on getting some content together. I'm putting it off because I want and need it to be done to the best of my ability as it'll be my portfolio of work (well, part of it, I have a physical one too).
If anyone on my FL is any good at making headers, and wants to have a go at making one, I'll reward you with a piece of jewellery. I'm so bad at using photo editors and other software.
Friday we're doing a class picnic, I've been voted to make cakes, so I'm going to do the Lemon Cupcakes I did the other week. I'm not sure yet how I'm going to handle food, Jackie is bringing in salad though.
Our tutor is pretty sick of the class, he told those of us that came in Friday to just bring enough food for five (the total who came in) so those that haven't bothered over the course of the year can't just turn up and expect to be fed unless they bring something too.
Had a nice afternoon Friday, shopping with Trudi and Hayley. I finally got a birthday present from Hayley, a lovely dress in the New Look sale...though I feel guilty for picking something
and a lot of resentment in a way towards Hayley for forgetting when we've known each other for twenty years
(oh, I sound old!)
Work yesterday was quiet. The upside of the earlier start is the earlier finish though. Trudi and I went to my grandparents for lunch. I'm was pleased to see my Nan wasn't as ill as I feared (I overreact where they are concerned) and I think I cheered her up by taking her flowers and sugar free sweets....and chocolate covered crystalized ginger for my grandad!
I've ordered her a selection of sugar free sweets for her Birthday and I'm going to put them in a gift box and get some handmade soap as well. I think she'll like that.
Today I have been so so so lazy. I did some yoga when I got up and it made me sleepy. I've falled asleep three times so far, once in the garden, which was nice, even if I did get bench imprints on my face.
I decided I may as well get used to wearing the cropped tee I bought, so wore that around today. Mum said I looked nice but better if I'd put some weight on. And Dad looked at me like I'm from another planet! It's cooling down now so I've chucked on my Leeds hoody <3
I love that skirt so much. Good old Primark.
I've gone the whole of today with barely any sickness, or "spacey headedness", now all I need is for my sleep to sort itself out.
Boring week so far
finishing up college work, final deadline next Weds, but I want my work in Friday *geek* just so I don't have to worry about it. I have probably another couple of hours left to do.
Couple of outfits from the past couple of days.
Flash was trying to get in on the action today, so I snapped a picture of him too. Tried telling him fur is out...but he won't listen ;)
I've been quite organised and have Dad's father's day present sorted (stamps, which he's ordered) and a retro tuck box of sweets, so he can stop raiding my food stash (I have three boxes of assorted chocolate/sweets/cereal bars in my room, eek).
Just need to sort out my Nan's birthday and I'm all set
(and broke).
Have alternated between making jewellery and doing college work. It seems never ending, but I've made progress; and given the external factors around that, I'm proud I've got anything done.
Met Trudi earlier too, which is always a pleasure (for me, at least). Coffee and chit chat, it seems to be turning in to our Sunday ritual, and long may it last.
Nothing exciting ahead of me this week, tomorrow and Tuesday are free of appointment so I'll be doing college work. Hopefully I'll be 90% done with what's left by Weds so I can hand it in. My brother comes home from uni for a month on Weds, so I want to have time to spend with him. Aiming to get all work in by Friday so I have a week before final deadline to make sure I've not missed anything, or need to edit anything.
( jewellery pictures here )
On one side of the house our neighbours are demolishing their conservatory
and the other side are having their garden landscaped
*feels like she can't win*
Couple of short essays over half term and that's that, unless tutor flags anything up that could improve my grade,
basically the stress has gone now
and I am taking a couple of hours off before doing the final bits.
Printing my magazine on glossy paper yesterday gave me a ridiculous feeling of pride.
I have HUGE issues feeling pride in anything I've done,
but I did for this
(which probably means I've set my hopes too high on getting a decent grade)
Been browsing fashion blogs too much. I'm considering getting a crop top (slouchy 80s/90s) style to wear with high waisted trousers
I actually kind of like the look on me,
I wore this to show Mum earlier, and she was quite impressed (and seemed pleased it's only a teeny bit of skin on display)
Yes or no?
Totally obnoxious? HELP
I can't wait to get college done with now, I'm going to miss the course so much, I'll probably cry
but I'm desperate to go back to being a good friend, less stressed
and to try and improve my health and test my motivation when it comes to courses and furthering new skills.
Oh and making bucketloads of jewellery, I've got loads of charms just begging to be played with!
Cupcakes!
I'll be really glad when I hand my work in. It's getting to the point now where I'm working so hard and investing all my time and energy, that I have little time, or patience for anything else.
I know I've been a terrible friend and daughter lately. Terrible all round.
Saw my GP today and she pretty much confirmed it.
I'm sick of seeing her every two weeks, am currently working on getting her to cut it down monthly, to coincide with a very slow weaning off of my anti-psychotic...we'd be reducing the dosage monthly, by 25mg, so it makes sense just to see her once a month.
She was both pleased and frustrated that my weight didn't change this week. She's been expecting me to gain, with no support, and I just can't do it.
She has a theory that once my college work is handed in, and certainly by the 17th June when I finish for good, food will suddenly become easier.
Because she doesn't listen when I tell her this isn't a recent thing, food has got scarier and scarier since...well a long time ago now. Slow process.
Ugh. I don't especially want to think about it right now. My blood tests were ok, and blood pressure 90/60 (highish for me) so I'm "healthy" in that sense of the word.
Best get back to working. I plan to do half an hour more, then play with some beads.
although not totally free, there will be bits and pieces to do, of course, but less pressure until near the 17th June.
I can't believe it's almost over. Discussed plans for the Summer with both tutors today, ideas are forming, I just need to get researching.
Bad face day, but brand new Primark dress won on ebay for £3...can't beat it!
Healthy, if slightly deranged kitty, priceless!
Flash is 100% better now, and I weighed him this morning and he's gained back the weight he lost when ill, plus a pound or so more, so he looks lovely and healthy with a gorgeous chubby face!
I'm so exhausted, yesterday I worked non-stop on my project for college, it's coming together nicely, and I've had good feedback from both tutors on it, and more importantly (to me) from my Dad! My Dad never compliments anything, especially "school" work type stuff, so for him to tell me that my work looked really professional, had me beaming with pride.
Only had college 10-12 today, and I didn't get much done because I left my stupid memory stick at home (along with my actual memory!) I met Trudi from work at 2, and took her for a much needed coffee and then we had retail therapy!
I spent the last of my birthday money. I can't believe how much I actually got out of it. I think I'm all sorted for summer wardrobe, and makeup! I was very restrained when we went to MAC and only got one eyeshadow, even though I wanted the whole Rose Romance collection.
Well, time for a quick cigarette and then some more college work. It's keeping me distracted from life, which is good, because it's getting difficult.
I feel so damn guilty for having lost weight, and that guilt is making it even harder to eat.
I'm tempted to work my BMI out, just to see where it stands, but I'm pretty sure that'll only trigger me further.
*sigh*
she did identify that I seem to be putting all my effort in to my college work, and pushing out any thoughts of food/eating meaning I really have to force myself.
I agree with that, and I do wonder/worry about what will happen when college ends, and which direction things will go. I know my weight can't continue to go down,
I hate the idea of gaining, but to gain back what I've lost since Christmas would be good, and then maintain until I'm comfortable with gaining further.
But I have no support in doing so, professional support any way. I have no idea what I should be eating, or when and I'm so wrapped up in doing my best with my final project that I don't want to think about it much.
I have promised to speak to my tutor tomorrow about how much time he'd expect us to be working on our projects per day, just to get an idea of what I should be aiming for, and perhaps stop pushing myself so hard.
I'm so scared of not getting a good grade though, that fear of failure, and not being able to follow my dream haunts me.
Nevermind that I have NO idea yet what I'm doing when the course ends. Probably NCTJ distance training and keeping an eye out for internships.
Flash seems better yet again, we phoned the vet with an update and they are pleased with his progress but may want to see him Friday depending on whether he further improves. He's wolfing down food like he's never seen it before, and has packed on some of the weight he's lost. He's also been making it upstairs, albeit very slowly!
Thought I'd share some pictures of jewellery I've made lately. If anyone on my FL wants to buy a piece, I'll make it cheap for you...I need new supplies!
You Rock and Roll pendant on long chain.
( rest under here )
It's my Dad's birthday.
My parents have their friends round for drinks + nibbles, being social.
I've been sat in the conservatory, reading through some notes and stuff for college, spoon feeding Flash pilchards with his anti-biotic crushed in, and then full fat yoghurt as a reward.
It seems I'm the only person who can get him to eat, just as well I have the patience of a saint.
It's paying off though,
he's still really un well, but at the same time, much improved from yesterday even.
but for now,
Please, please, please keep Flash in your thoughts. Our little old man is poorly. He's going to the vets at 1pm and we're trying to stay positive,
but it's hard. He's so old.
He's not moving much; very lethargic, but he's purring and greeting us with his normal "whirp" sound. He's drunk some water, but no food.
Oh fuckkkkkkkkk
please let him be ok.
